Tension

There’s this feeling I’ve been restling with, only to be able to attempt to articulate it now. That feeling is inner tension.

The tension I’ve felt has always been there. Like amorphous energetic webs moving and solidifying in my body, creating tightness, restriction and anxiety. I think I operated with this tension in my body for so long that it was normal to me. It wasn’t until I began the process of clearing and cleaning inside, that I was able to begin to feel and identify it as something foreign. It concentrated in my head, my eyes, my neck, my shoulders, my back. It moved, shapeshifted and hardened in my body. And what I felt in my body was also tied to what I thought about.

Perhaps we all have a bit of inner tension and angst about ourselves. Tension between what we think and what we feel. Tension between where we are and where we want to be. Tension between what we’re currently doing and what we actually want to be doing. Tension between who we are and who we want to be.

Personally, I’ve been restling with the thought of realizing and fulfilling my higher purpose. It’s an internal war of fear, worry and anxiety of needing to know what it is, needing to be certain, needing to know how it will happen and when, needing to know exactly where I am going… This needing to know is what is causing me anxiety and inner tension. And creating a worry of not knowing how to bridge the massive gap between who I currently am and who I want and need to be in the future. It’s hard having visions or downloads or messages all lining up with the same conclusion. Showing you who you can be and what your highest self looks and sounds like. What is hard is that I feel it to be true in my gut, in every cell in my being, I know it to be true. It should feel like a gift to have some clarity. And yet, all I can feel is fear. Fear of my truth, fear of my future, fear of who I can be. I wrestle with this inner tension of, “how will I bridge the gap?” How is it possible? I put so much pressure on myself to know before taking the next step. I fear failure and disappointment and rejection. So much so that it can be crippling if I let it.

What I’m learning to do is to take a leap of faith, to take the next baby step, to trust despite not knowing what the path ahead looks like. To trust despite not fully understanding it nor it being entirely logical.

It is a process, holding trust and faith. I don’t believe one day someone wakes up and all of a sudden can hold absolute trust and faith entirely. Not if they’ve lived challenging human lives and have experienced all of the heartbreak and pain one can ever experience. But despite it all, I choose to re-learn how to hold trust and faith, step by step, little by little. I choose to let go a little more each day and tell myself I can do this, I believe. I choose to believe that things will get better, and they will.

While it is a call to have faith in the Universe, I think more importantly it is a call to have faith in oneself. To take ownership for all that one is and the life one perceives and creates. I can choose to shift my perspective of challenges externally as challenges happening internally. The challenges and struggles we perceive externally are a manifestation of inner tension and conflict. With every inner battle I strive to bring understanding and resolution. To create peace within. That is how you free yourself of inner tension and create peace in your life. You can learn how to transmute tension as a bridge forward.