Spiritual Awakening Journey: Pt. XVI - Tension

There’s this feeling I’ve been restling with lately, only able to attempt to articulate it now. That feeling is inner tension. Perhaps we all have a bit of inner tension and angst within ourselves. Tension between what we think and what we feel. Tension between where we are and where we want to be. Tension between what we’re currently doing and what we actually want to be doing. Tension between who we are and who we want to be.

The tension I’ve felt has always been there. Like amorphous energetic webs moving and solidifying in my body, creating tightness, restriction and anxiety within. I wonder how long I’ve operated with this tension in my body, perhaps for so long that it feels normal. It wasn’t until I began the process of cleaning and clearing energy inside, that I was able to begin to feel and identify this web of tension as something foreign. It concentrated in my head, my eyes, my neck, my shoulders, and my back. It moved, shapeshifted, and hardened primarily in those area of my body. Early on, I couldn’t understand what this physical tension was adn why it was there in my body, but now I understand that it is not just physical but it is more energetic in nature. Like conflicting energy that I was holding inside my body. Energy that felt like it needed resolution, release, balance, or acceptance.

As I meditated on this inner energetic tension more and more, I understood that this phsyical tension in my body directly correlated with what I thought about, or rather the inner conflicts I felt inside. The most notable inner conflict I felt was centered around the feeling of urgency to realize and fulfill my higher purpose after seeing a glimpse in my meditations and dreams. I felt that I needed to get on with the important work that I must do, and to set goals for myself to achieve. On the other hand, I was still undergoing my healing process. The pressure of urgency, combined with the expectation to get on with it and achieve, with the feeling that I’m not ready at this moment is what was creating this inner energetic tension in my body, manfiesting as physical bodily pain in my head, neck, shoulders, and back. What the tension felt like was like an internal war between two sides, breeding an energy of fear, worry, and anxiety of needing to know exactly where I am going, how I am going to get there, and exactly what I need to do. This pressure to get on with it, when I was still going through my process, was causing me anxiety and inner tension. And creating a worry of not knowing how to bridge the massive gap between who I currently am and who I want and need to be in the future.

Being gifted with ‘future glimpses’ can help steer a person in a direction, but it can also take a person out of the process they’re going thru in the present. Instead of feeling empowered by it all, I felt scared. I had a great fear of my truth, fear of my future, fear of who I can be. I wrestled with this inner tension of, “how will I bridge the gap?” How is it possible? I put so much pressure on myself to know before taking the next step. I feared failure, disappointment and rejection. So much so that it felt crippling if I let it. So what I learned was to slow down and remember the process. Everything happens in the process. The process is the bridge. And the bridge is built with every next step, every leap of faith, and every time you trust despite not knowing where the bridge is going. That is the path of life. It is not a rational process, but oftentimes looking back you will come to realize the purpose of it all.