Spiritual Awakening Journey: Pt. V - Shadow & Darkness

Tulum is land of shadow and illusion. It was built as one of the last great Mayan cities as a gateway or port to Coba and the larger Mayan empire. It welcomed people from all across the land and seas, just as it does today. Tulum was not built as a place for living, it was created as a place where Mayan nobility gathered to observe the stars and to summer near the Caribbean ocean. ‘Maya’ in Hinduism translates to ‘illusion.’ Underneath the limestone terrain of Tulum lies a vast underwater network and river. Energy is always moving below Tulum, like an invisible current. Without solid rooting and awareness, people often get swept away in the current, carried away by their illusions and false desires. The energy that flows beneath is subtly and overwhelmingly feminine. Dark, watery, and fluid. If un-rooted, a person can feel like quick moving air that will make them move like the wind, or overwhelmed by the constantly shifting currents of the ocean. It’s a dual-nature place that will serve as a mirror for all that you are. It can feel like a transitory, quick moving place. Where time moves fast, situations progressing quickly and suddenly. Or, it can feel as if time holds no purpose. Days move slowly and calmly, blending into each other, without definition. If unaware, it can feel like a trick in time and space. A dream within a dream.

Tulum is one of many energy vortexes here on Earth. A place where energy lines or ‘ley lines’ converge and create a powerful energetic center that magnifies energy and can facilitate an opening in the unconscious and a connection to other planes of consciousness. The energy and the memories of the land hold much duality, dark and light. There is a significant ‘shadow side’ to Tulum that is only magnified by its powerful energy. For any individual spending significant time in Tulum, it wil eventually reveal your shadows and force you to deal with them.

When I first came to Tulum I actually found it quite challenging to connect energetically. The channel became much murkier, like radio frequencies getting jammed up. Before, I would usually connect via the earth and work my way up to align with the divine energies above. But here, it felt challenging to put ‘roots’ into the ground. I later discovered that the Earth is made up of shallow limestone bedrock with water flowing below. One day, I was meditating in the jungle, visualizing my roots growing into the earth, and I felt a pull. I felt this deep hypnotic drawing down on my roots, as if it wanted to take me whole. I sensed there was something dark and sinister that lurked beneath the ground. I immediately withdrew my roots and said “NO, do not take my energy,” and I opened my eyes. That was my first encounter with the dark side of energy.

The weeks after, my meditation practice would sometimes be infiltrated by dark spirits attempting to plant negative seeds in my mind. Sometimes playing tricks, masquerading as my ‘angel guides.’ I became afraid to meditate and to sleep at night. My hair started falling out in large quantities and I assumed it was the hard water. I later read, and listened to the ‘advice’, that dark spirits can enter the ends of your hair while sleeping at night in order to feed on your energy. I started sleeping with a silk head wrap. This ‘energetic fear’ made me afraid of being in a place like Tulum. I had started to feel the very real presence of energy vampires here. All descending upon the energy vortex of Tulum to feed on the unconscious souls that had weak energy barriers and little awareness. I also felt that there was a dark side to the energy in the land, as if it demanded payment, a sacrifice, or an exchange for its exploitation. It wanted me to give myself to this place. It’s easy to in a place like this. And if you’re allowed to stay, people will often say, ‘yes, take me.’

While I was opening up energetically, I was also opening up to feeling all frequencies of energy, within and all around. The dark side of energy was very present in my life at the time. It was testing me in many ways. It tested my resolve, my faith, my inner strength, my illusions, my desires, my commitment to truth. I swore I would be a tool for love and light, and so, I allowed the darkness to envelop me whole to see how I’d fare. Would I let fear consume me? Would I break under the pressure of feeling scared and lost?

I learned to embrace the darkness as a teacher. I learned to let the darkness pass through me and show me all the things I was afraid of. I stop resisting and instead I allowed it to be present in my life. I accepted darkness and I respected it. In time I understood that darkness was the other side of light. Both were necessary teachers to guide me in my journey. Once I started easing into darkness, I began working with it to excavate deep within and unearth and feel all of the dark and heavy emotions buried deep in the abyss. I explored and journeyed to the darkest parts of my self. And just like with the dark spirits, I learned to embrace the darkness within me. Darkness inside is like a deep void. You don’t know how much is there until you begin to shine a light and explore the depths of it.

I also realized all of the ways I was unconsciously inviting more negativity and darkness into my self. It showed me that I was unconsciously creating a fertile ground for negative seeds to be planted, and that I needed to learn to set clearer boundaries of what is allowed and what is not allowed inside of me. I needed to start taking responsibility for the energy within me. Holding it as sacred within my container, and to nurture and protect it fiercely. I began learning and putting in place energy protection practices around the same time I began the excavation process. As well as beginning to examine my personal boundaries and needs. It was an important lesson and exercise in creating some separation between myself, others, and my external environment. The presence of dark energy motivated me to examine my worth, my sense of self, and begin establishing boundaries—energetically, personally and inter-personally. In embracing and exploring the deep waters of darkness, I grew stronger and more aware. Like being gifted with night vision, or an internal flashlight, able to see all of the shadows lurking in the dark and working to set them free.

Earth is a planet of duality. In life, duality exists everywhere. It is an integral part of nature: yin and yang, feminine and masculine, light and dark, creation and destruction. Duality rules this world. And duality exists within ourselves as we are a part of nature. We all hold opposites within us. And we all experience it as well to better understand what it is we want. One of our collective human lessons is to learn how to embrance and acceot these dual natures. It is very common in our society to reject duality. We tend to assign more value in one side of duality, or what we perceive as ‘good’, ‘positive’, or ‘light.’ But in nature, there is no such assignment, and both sides of duality serve an equal purpose. You cannot have one without the other. But in society, because we have such assignment and placement in value, we are programmed to cling to one side, and reject the other. It forces people to reject the natural, dual forces within them, in their experiences, and in the world. We grow up sensing or being told that certain emotions, qualities, desires, needs or expressions are unacceptable. With time we continue to repress these hidden qualities. We create shadow sides of ourselves. All of the aspects that we yearn for, that we are, are pushed into the darkness, hidden and out of sight. We learn to play a one-dimensional persona. And in doing so, we reject our true nature, our dynamic, ‘full selves.’ We tell ourselves there are parts of us that are acceptable and not acceptable. We judge ourselves harshly and therefore we judge others. Deeming what is acceptable in other people and situations in life because we don’t fully accept ourselves and we don’t fully accept the natural ways of life. The need for control is fueled by the lack of personal acceptance and trust.

To feel whole means to accept ourselves—all of ourselves—including the light and the dark and everything in between. It’s a process to learn how to embrace, accept and bring to light our shadow side. It requires unlearning and reprogramming all of our beliefs about ourselves. Just like our fears, I believe we must bring to light our shadow sides. So many of our fears are intertwined with our shadows. And many of our behaviors, patterns, beliefs and thoughts are motivated by these fears and shadows, if left unexamined. Re-integrating and accepting our shadow qualities help an individual feel whole again. Re-knitting together the disparate parts of ourselves to reclaim a fuller picture of who we naturally are. Oftentimes our shadow sides and our fears will also reveal our greatest untapped strengths, abilities, and talents. They can show us our highest selves if realized. They show us who we can become and who we’re meant to become, if we choose courage to conquer our fears and trust its unfolding. They show us the possibility within ourselves.

Only through journeying through the darkness can you truly understand the light.