Fear

Having started a path of one-by-one working through and conquering my fears, I realize all the ways my life was unconsciously ruled by the things that I was afraid of. I made decisions not based on what I wanted, but by how I was programmed and by consensus of society. I was afraid to pursue an ‘unconventional’ path. I was afraid to be weird and different. I was afraid to be me and do what I actually desired. I was afraid to speak up for my values and ideals. I was afraid to take risks and make more decisions based on how I intuitively felt. I was afraid to do it my way. It was, and still is, in many ways a whole lot easier to go down a prescribed, accepted path. It doesn’t force you to go it alone, to get uncomfortable, to constantly be challenged, to face your insecurities and fears, to realize your independence and individuality, or to repeatedly be willing to die to be reborn. But the “easy path” is not really an easy one either. It asks you to spend a lot of energy pretending to be someone you’re not, to contort and fit yourself into places and situations that aren’t really suitable, to make everything work and be fine, to always be happy and content when you’re not, or to spend your energy working on things that aren’t truly and personally meaningful.

In not facing my fears, it kept me moving further down a path that was not aligned with what I really wanted. And the fear compounds. Every step forward increased the fear of ‘starting over from scratch.’ If I let go of all that I had built, then it would mean I would have “nothing.” But having nothing was exactly what I needed. Because I had unconsciously filled my life with stuff and situations that maybe I believed I wanted at some point, but really didn’t bring any feeling of peace or meaning or joy. All of that stuff became baggage weighing me down, clouding my higher senses, making it harder for me to see myself and pursue what I actually need and desire. When I let go of everything and had nothing left, it revealed myself, naked and raw. The accident forced me to stop moving and doing, it forced me to sit in the silence and the empty space. To look at myself in my raw form, and see all of the possibilities, the patterns, and the fears as they really are. It asked me to return to my meditation work to connect at a higher perspective, and focus on unpacking, untangling, and processing everything, I endeavored to become intimate with my fears. To feel them, to remember them, to acknowledge and accept them. I excavated them, re-lived them, felt them, all with a goal to understand them out of love and curiosity.

Fears are half-processed experiences and emotions, combined with coping mechanisms and patterns. I learned that if I can allow myself the space to finish processing the experience and feel all of its emotions, I can better release its energetic power. Which then would allow me to look at it from a higher perspective in order to unpack its associated coping mechanisms and patterns. Many of my fears became avenues to new experiences and opportunities for personal growth. Had I not taken the space and time to focus on my fears, I would never have learned many hidden abilities and parts of myself that were dormant and yearning to be realized. What I learned is that facing fears gets easier the more I did it. Well maybe not necessarily easier, but the willingness to be open to making that first step felt a bit more natural and a little less paralyzing. Overcoming one giant fear became a catalyst for facing all of my other fears. And when I saw that it was possible and that I was ultimately okay, I gained strength and courage to continue onwards to live more boldly. Challenging fears is similar to exercising a muscle. Once you start, it gets easier with time and repetition.

Fears are our wayfinding signs, pointing us towards who we need to become.
They are our greatest source of personal discovery and transformation. It is so important to shed a light on our fears, whatever they may be. Fear grows in the darkness. The shadow that it casts can oftentimes appear bigger than the actual fear itself. They can feel too big or too overwhelming to deal with. But if we open the door, shine a light on them, observe without judgement, tend to them, perhaps we can perceive them instead as opportunities for profound personal growth. Fears can be our friend and greatest teacher. They can help reveal who we really are and who we are becoming. They can help show us the what we truly desire and what we truly need. They show us our potential, and they show us that freedom and our dreams are on the other side. All that is required to cross the threshold is courage.