Spiritual Awakening Journey: Pt. IV - Fear

Tulum drew me in from across the ocean. I felt possessed and booked a flight, intending to stay for just a short period of time. I had no reason to go and had very little interest in going. But without logic I did it anyways and followed my heart back to Mexico.

I remember the moment I stepped foot into my apartment. Bright floor to ceiling windows, tons of natural sunlight, calm earthy tones, clean and bright. The bedroom overlooked the jungle, filled with sounds of birds and sights of butterflies. I immediately felt at home and proceeded to unpack all of my belongings stuffed into a carry-on suitcase. A sign that I was here to stay.

The first few weeks was a bit of a blur. I packed my mornings and afternoons with work and at the end of the day I ventured out to the beach and the many workshops and classes. I was busy and enjoyed settling into the constant movement of the day.

I always secretly imagined myself living somewhere tropical. Year-round sunshine, humidity, palm trees, the ocean, the wind in my hair. The humidity filling my body, and with it the life and energy revitalizing my being. Restoring it to its plump, full self. And with each passing day I felt more and more like this was my life. It was no longer a dream, it was my reality.

The second day I got a motorbike. I had never driven a motorbike before and was nervous. I did it anyways, figuring it was like riding a bike. The first day I fell, the second day I drove on a 6-lane interstate road with 18-wheelers, the third day I was cruising. I loved riding my motorbike. I like to drive fast, listening to music, with the wind in my hair. When I drive I feel electrified. Like my body is collecting energy; the hairs on my arms upright and static-y. Afterwards I feel like a ball of energy, flying through the wind, untouchable.

The second week I started dating. The last time I was single was 8 years ago. I was nervous but, again, I told myself it’s like riding a bike! I jumped right in. No thinking, no expectations, no intentions. I moved like the wind. Breezing through and having fun. I partied late on week days, jumped off cliffs, went on motorcycle rides in the moonlight. I was exercising my inner desire to be free and reckless for the first time in my life.

I suppose all the ‘recklessness’ and ‘busyiness’ caught up with me, as if I was being reminded to slow down and tend to what I really came here to do. But at the time, I was relatively new in my development and ignored the signs. One day I was driving back from the beach, driving fast with my music on, oblivious to the massive speed bump without a sign. I hit the breaks and the bike slid out from under me. In that moment I knew, this is it. Everything slowed down for a second, and then suddenly I was on the side of the road bleeding with the skin scraped off my legs and arms. I remember a taxi driver coming over, another man on a bike came by, cars stopped. All left shortly after, except for a young couple on a motorbike. The young man came over and was the only one to ask if I needed help. I paused for a moment to register what was happening, and I said yes, please take me to the hospital. Riding on the back of his motorbike, with my legs dangling to one side, I held their tiny kitten, Luna, in my lap. Only one week old, she was a rescue, and was getting a little squirmish. I held this tiny kitten and felt that all is well. Somehow, despite being in so much pain and shock, I also felt completely safe and at peace at the same time. The hospital was more of a community clinic, bare bones, and the nurses spoke to me in Spanish as they scoured my wounds. The couple waited for me at the hospital, helped translate with the nurses, took me to the pharmacy to get medical supplies, and returned me to my apartment. The young man, Daniel, had said that when he saw me on the side of the road, a thought had popped in his mind, what if this had happened to his girlfriend. He had said he also considered that I was an American woman in Mexico, which put me in a precarious situation for possible extortion and increased costs. In that moment he knew he had to help. It was a kindness I had never experienced before from a stranger. I felt as if the couple and their kitten Luna were my guardian angels for the night. In awe of their genuine kindness and generosity, something profound grew inside of me. From that moment on I knew I would always help others and show compassion. It could change a person’s life. It certainly changed mine.

Shortly after the accident, without planning, I found myself quitting my career. I said I needed to step away and leave the company to care for myself. I could not truly be responsible for other people, if I couldn’t take the time to first be responsible for myself. This, second to my divorce, was probably the most challenging decision I’ve ever made because work and career was probably the most important thing in my life. I defined myself by my work, because I am primarily designed for ambition, challenge, and achieving goals. But so much of my identity was caught up in career, title, money, and lifestyle. Who would I be without a career? Quitting, the idea of ‘not doing anything of consequence’ was probably one of my biggest fears, and it scared the sh*t out of me. But by that time, I had already been walking the path of conquering fears, and so, in a way this was the next big test. While I was afraid, I found myself doing it anyways because in a way, I felt it was the natural progression of things. It was the big, final thing I had to let go of my old life. Holding on to it, would just keep me in a paralysis state of trying to live double lives—one as my old self, and another undergoing a complete obliteration and spiritual transformation.

What I will say, is that as soon as the words came out of my mouth, and the decision was already made, I felt immediately lighter, freer—free to move forward on this insane, unknown path unfolding before me.

Having started a path of one-by-one working through, and ultimately conquering my fears, I realize all the ways my life was unconsciously ruled by the things that I was afraid of. Unconsciously I made decisions not based on what I wanted, but what was approved in family and society. I was afraid to pursue an ‘unconventional’ route. I was afraid to be me and do what I actually desired. I was afraid to speak up for my values and idealism. I was afraid to be weird or different or unique. I was afraid to take risks and make more decisions based on how I intuitively felt, and not just what made sense according to ‘everyone else.’ It was, and still is in many ways, just a lot easier to go down a prescribed, accepted path. It doesn’t force you to go it alone, to get uncomfortable, to face your fears, to realize your independence and individuality, or to grow or evolve. But also in many ways, it is very hard and energy consuming to force yourself to repeatedly do things you really don’t desire to do, deep down. In not facing my fears, it kept me moving further down a path that was not aligned with what I really wanted. And the fear compounds. Every step forward increased the fear of ‘starting over from scratch.’ If I let go of all of that I had built then it would mean I would have “nothing.”

But having nothing was exactly what I needed. Because I had filled my life with stuff and situations that maybe I believed I wanted at some point, but now they did not truly reflect who I am and did not make me happy anymore. All of that stuff became baggage weighing me down, clouding my judgement, making it harder for me to see myself and pursue what I desire. When I let go of everything and had nothing left, it revealed myself, naked and raw. And the accident forced me to stop moving and doing, and had forced me to sit in the silence and the empty space. To look at myself in my raw form, and see all of the possibilities, the patterns, and the fears as they really are.

It’s never too late to start a-new, or really, to simply pivot towards what you’re really feeling and desiring. I believe it is possible to conquer your fears, and not be ruled by them anymore. But I also believe the more we excavate, the more we can realize ‘new’, hidden fears. The fear doesn’t magically disappear as you’re doing the thing that you’re afraid of, but it does slowly fade away after you’ve done it anyways. What I have learned is that facing fears gets easier the more you do it. Well maybe not nceessarily easier, but the willingness to be open to making that first step feels a little more natural and a little less paralyzing. Overcoming one giant fear became a catalyst for facing all of my other fears. And when I saw that it was possible and that I was ultimately okay, I gained strength and courage to continue onwards and perhaps live a little bit more boldly. I think challenging fears is similar to exercising a muscle. Once you start, it gets easier with time and repetition.

I really do believe it’s important to shed a light on fears, whatever they may be. Fear grows in the darkness. The shadow that it casts is oftentimes bigger than the actual fear itself. They become too big or too overwhelming to deal with. But if we shine a light on them, look at them, observe them without judgement…perhaps we can see them instead as opportunities for growth. Maybe there’s a lesson there, and maybe it’s not as big or scary or unmanageable as we thought it would be? Your fears can be your friend. They can help show you the things you truly desire and the things you truly need. They can help reveal who you really are and who you are becoming. They show us our potential, and they show us that freedom and our dreams are on the other side. All that is required to cross that threshold is courage and bravery.

Fears are wayfinding signs pointing us towards who we need to become.