Spiritual Awakening Journey: Pt. VI - Shedding & Integration
Integration and shedding in a spiritual awakening is a strange process. It is occuring and unfolding, but I’m not fully aware of what exactly is happening. Things are changing, I’m changing. I exist in this in-between space of existence. I no longer identify with my former self but I’m not entirely sure of who I am or who I’m becoming.
I am half conscious, half unconscious to the changes that are unfolding within me. I notice subtle shifts or have certain realizations that seem to come out of nowhere. I’m generally confused most of the time, and I am questioning everything: my identity, beliefs, values, desires, wants, needs, behaviors. I begin recognizing patterns, existing programming and conditioning. All of which surface for re-examination and understanding. Through this process, the true nature of my soul emerges more clearly. Emerging beneath the rule of the ego and the layers upon layers of energetic grime, beliefs and programming that were forced upon me or that were adopted over the years since I was born. Only now am I learning to shed all of those layers so my true self can step out into the light.
The shedding and integration cycle occurs several times in-between other phases of work and inner cultivation. The first shedding and integration period was a quiet yet mind-altering experience. At the time, I didn’t tell anyone I was undergoing a spiritual awakening process as I had believed at the time that most people would think I’m unhinged. It felt like living a double life. All of these major personal shifts and changes completely altering who I am, how I desire to live my life, and what I want. And yet, I felt that I couldn’t tell anyone or share what was really happening. I felt really alone in the process and became acutely aware of how different I am from most people. I no longer could or wanted to relate with most people, or could even pretend to care about superficial, meaningless stuff anymore. I needed to be with people and yet self-isolate at the same time.
Shedding is a cycle in which I ‘shed’ all of the things, or really energies, that I had adopted and taken on over a lifetime. Most of it, things I never consciously agreed to or desired. I was given a period of time in which I was able to surface, ‘see’, realize, understand, and examine the beliefs, values, programming, patterns, behaviors, and thoughts that serve as the foundation of my operating system. I questioned everything. I broke things. I tore things down. I let go. I said no to things I thought I once wanted. I challenged all of my existing beliefs and values, whittling everything down to the seed of the idea. Getting to the root truth of why I held on to certain beliefs and ideas as a way of reinforcing a sense of self, a sense of safety, belonging, and purpose. I had to undergo a process of breaking down my ego and relinquishing control over to soul and the divine before the shedding process. This period was interspersed with a lot of feelings and moments of confusion, frustration, and nothingness. I had to release myself over to fear and uncertainty. Leaning into my fears, not away, and start listening to those quiet yet persistent questions that lived inside of me. It asked me to face everything I was afraid of, everything that would dismantle and destroy everything, and let it all burn to beneath the ground. But I also had to understand why everything existed, as everything is created for an unconscious reason. And in taking the time and extra effort to understand and learn, I was then able to finally accept it and truly let it go. It was very hard to admit when something, someone, or really anything is no longer aligned with who you are, where you’re going, or what you truly want deep down. Because to choose to see this and admit it is to accept that you are changing, but you do not know exactly what the plan is or where exactly it is all going. And that is incredibly scary and unsettling. I had to shed the many layers of my identity and concept of self, stripping myself bare to the bones, as a way of re-discovering who I am at the core. Shedding involved letting go of everything I once knew, believed or clung to to maintain an identity or sense of self.
To shed is to clear out the old, remove waste, and make space for the new. It is a critical and necessary phase of internal work that must be done in a cyclical nature, just like the seasons, in order to to make space for the new to flourish. Essentially, it is internal ‘waste management.’
Integration is a significant period of rest and reflection in between other phases of transformation work. It typically comes after a cycle of shedding or any significant or intense experience, in which one must ‘integrate’, process and learn from everything that has just happened. It can seem like nothing is happening on the surface, but actually, a lot is shifting, updating and aligning beneath the surface. Integration can sometimes feel incredibly boring, to the point of maddening, if you are realtively new to the process because we are so conditioned to constantly do and take action. Especially after a period of intense change in one’s life, it can feel even anticlimatic, as if we’re expecting immediate transformative results to occur in our lives. Exercising and learning patience is key here, and will only help you exercise this necessary muscle for future phases of work.
My first integration cycle came after an intense period of excavation work, processing, shedding, and energy reconnection. With it, came life changes that forced me to let go of everything. My first integration period was ultimately forced upon me via an accident, and a series of ascension sickness. This forced me to sit in space, silence, and stillness. I had to sit in the empty space and simply do nothing, as everything else was being updated. Like a really long software update on your phone, where you can’t use it or do anything. My whole human system was undergoing a massive update, and my body was shedding, purging, and undergoing an energetic upgrade. But also in this period of time, I was gifted with the space to rest and regenerate. Space to continue surfacing and releasing remaining programming and patterns. Space to contemplate what I actually desired moving forward. If I had mindlessly pushed forward to fill the space, I probably would have unconsciously filled it with the same junk. I was being gifted with space and time to re-evaluate, consider all of the possibilities, align with what I want, and to be more strategic and intuitive in the process.
Below are some of the ‘collective’ societal patterns and behaviors I have surfaced and am integrating:
It is safe to show myself, be seen and understood as I am. There is no need to modify or censor myself according to the person or environment.
I can stop constantly doing. I’ve been conditioned to always be productive, constantly moving and achieving. Busy-ness is the opposite of truly being productive and purposeful.
Being intentional does not equate with being productive. Intention is about understanding, feeling and knowing what is right for you and living according to that in every aspect of your life.
It is ok sometimes to rest and sit still. Was I using movement to force or control outcomes or to distract myself from myself?
I am learning to incorporate patience into my everyday and most importantly with myself. Giving myself time is the greatest gift I can give.
I release the ideas of what I should be doing or where I should be going.
I always have the power and choice to say no and I can always leave at any time. I do not need to explain myself and only I know what is right for me.
The answers I seek are within me, not through other people or ‘experts.’
My compassion, empathy, idealism, discernment and intuition is a gift and a power, not a weakness.