Spiritual Awakening Journey: Pt. XIII - Potential

I am still in my ‘winter months’ yet I continue my explorations across Chiapas and into Guatemala. During my month and a half in Chiapas and Guatemala: I explored the indigenous towns in Chiapas by colectivo: Zinacantan, Tenejapa, San Andres Larrainzar — visiting the local markets and womens weaving collectives. I visited caves and went ziplining. The last week I visited the impressive Sumidero Canyon, Cascada el Chiflon and Laguna Montebello. My time in San Cristobal ended with Dias de los Muertos. Then I hopped on a colectivo and went to the small town of Ocosingo to explore the empty Mayan ruins of Tonina. The next day I hopped on a tour to the magnificent waterfalls of Agua Azul and Misol Ha. I spent three days in a jungle lodge in Palenque, exploring the Mayan ruins and hiking the jungle in rain to waterfalls of Moteipa and Sombrillas while howler monkeys roared. On the lunar eclipse and full moon of Taurus, I visited the national waterfall park of Roberto Barrios — an extensive network of waterfalls in the jungle outside of the Lacandon. The next day I hopped on a tour to the remote Mayan ruins of Bonampak and Yaxchilan—taking an hour-long boat ride to the hidden temple along the riverbank of the Usumacinta River which runs along the border between Mexico and Guatemala. I spent two nights in a remote camp buried in the Lacandon Jungle. I hiked the jungle, barefoot in mud, with a local Lacandon woman. She took me through the jungle to admire hundreds of year-old ceiba trees. The next day I began the 7-hour long journey by boat and colectivo to cross the border from Mexico to Guatemala. I rode the boat across the Usumacinta River, then hopped on a colectivo taking us through local dirt roads winding through the Guatemalan countryside. 7 hours later, I arrived in the town of Flores. The next day I met a group of young women and took a boat to jorge’s rope swing, an idyllic spot on the edge of lake peten itza where we sun bathed, swam and jumped off rope swings. The next day I made my way to Tikal where I spent four days in the jungles of Tikal National Park. From my cabin I walked to the Mayan ruins and explored at times where I had the place all to myself. I watched the sunset high above the jungle at templo del talud. On November 17th, I crossed the Guatemalan border over to Belize, and took a small prop plane to the island of Roatan in Honduras.

I now sit in my apartment at the end of west end bay in Roatan. I think about all that I had experienced in just a month and a half. Another whirlwind of adventure, exploring jungles, waterfalls, lakes, caves and remote ruins. During my time in Chiapas, I fell in love with the raw beauty of nature. This marked my return back home to nature. This period was less about concerns over where home was or where I belonged, but more about who I am becoming. Th death of my old self transitioned into contemplations over who I can be or who I am becomming. It marked the beginning of the dreaming phase, or potentiality.

For the last two months I felt like something was off; trying to pull back curtains but only for them to turn into wisps of smoke. I was grasping, trying to excavate something within me that I couldn’t identify. My fears were buried so deep down it was hard for me to access them. What was this buried thing inside of me that wanted to come out? In a phone conversation, I shared some of the messages and aspirations that were revealed in my meditations over the past year. I had received numerous visions and messages from the divine and from other divinely connected humans referring to a similar dream of my future. They described a version of my self, of who I am or could become. While it was nice to receive, it also scared me. It was easier to talk about my dreams and aspirations as if they are some distant, abstract idea. Somewhere in-between the conversation, something rose within me. An overwhelming tidal wave of fear and truth. I started crying uncontrollably. The tidal wave washed over and emotions burst through. I kept repeating, “I don’t know why this is so hard for me but it just is.” I had unearthed a massive fear I never knew was buried deep inside of me. A deep-seated fear of rejection, and a burdening sense of responsibility. Guilt and sorrow. Realizing what I’ve known along — the truth about myself and realizing all the ways I violated it by denying who I am, my voice, my dreams and ambitions. I cried because I grieved all the ways I kept myself prisoner, contained and locked away in a vault for safe keeping. Drinking a potion of fear, denial, self-doubt, and lifetimes of experiences to make myself small, hidden and invisible. A potion that also kept me from feeling fully real.

Despite the fear, I feel that something churns inside of me, like the turmoil of the earth’s core, begging to be released to create something new.

Potential is an interesting thing. Especially when one is gifted with the ability to have a glimpse of their potential, or to know what it is they must do. But what I realized is that even with a million divine downloads, visions, and messages all confirming the same thing, it doesn’t guarantee anything unless one is able to battle their fears and cultivate self-belief, despite possibly never receiving acceptance, validation or reward for doing it. Seeing one’s potential can be an incredibly emotional realization. To face and accept who you really are is a terrifying thing. It may be easier to travel the path of least resistance, but I understand now that the easy path won’t take me to what my soul desires and needs. And without accepting and conquering challenges, one cannot grow and evolve. Instead, I allow fear to be an indicator of great possibility. The greater the fear, the greater the energy, the greater the potential.

“Potential can only be actualized when you believe.”