Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a state of being that keeps one fixed in the past and worried about the future. It is a repetitive loop of worry and control that keeps cycling through in thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. Perfectionism is simply a coping mechanism that gives a person a feeling of agency and control when they had none as a child. When it didn’t feel safe to trust and fall.

Practicing presence for recovering perfectionists can be challenging because their egoic state of mind has been operating for so long based on the past and the future. There is no present. This coping mechanism is a form of control by believing that they can control the future by fixating on the past, to avoid disappointments and pain in the present. Children of perfectionism perceive the present as too painful to experience and takes on the responsibility believing it is their fault. As a child, one learns to rely on him/herself by controlling aspects of daily life to help feel secure and safe. And prove their worth in the hopes of receiving more love. Into adulthood, the cycle continues and is rewarded in the culture of the workplace. Mistakes are not allowed and are not easily forgiven, perhaps a similar feeling to the experiences of growing up.

We celebrate perfectionism and we herald it as the example behavior of a model employee, model spouse, model parent, model citizen. We have our sh*t together, can’t you see?

What is so deceiving about perfectionism is that it looks so good on the outside, but it feels so bad on the inside. This feeling of constant worry and analyzing of every action, word and decision. And we believe that this feeling and state of being is normal, because it’s constantly being cultivated and reinforced in our society through family, relationships, schools, the workplace, institutions, media, social media, etc. We have ‘role models’ that appear to have their sh*t together when they just have a role and persona to maintain. So we all pretend. We all put on a happy face, all the time. And we broadcast the perfect image, in the hopes of receiving more validation and approval.

I am a recovering child of perfectionism. Growing up, I would reorganize my bedroom making it look perfect and tidy. I would endeavor to make my work the best it could be, and in my career I would constantly find myself in environments fueled on perfectionism. I even worked for one company that expected every piece of work to be perfect, so much so that I even once received a poor annual review for once making mistakes with em and en dashes. My whole life I was surrounded by people and environments that celebrated and expected perfectionism. There was no room to make mistakes. There was no room to lean on for support, you just had to figure it out and perform.

But perfectionism is just a form of self-abuse. To expect yourself to be perfect all the time, to never make mistakes, to not allow yourself to take risks, to over-analyze every act and decision…it’s just not natural. A person cannot be human. Workplaces and society unconsciously de-humanizes people, encouraging them to behave more like robots than people, all in the name of capitalism. And people internalize capitalism. We see it in the way people rush or push themselves to do things or to get somewhere fast, in the way people force a certain outcome, in the way people beat themselves up over a mistake, in the way people don’t give themselves permission to rest and take care of themselves, in the way people prioritize their work and money over their health and relationships. Internalized capitalism loves perfectionism. It keeps people in a place of self-doubt, control, restriction, and fear.

I think what helped me free myself from the chains of perfectionism was first quitting my job and beginning the process of healing and rediscovering myself separate from the expectations and roles of work. When I made a decision and took action to put myself first, not others, without guilt. I began to take care of myself. And in time understand how to love myself. When you learn how to love yourself, you understand that the forcing, controlling, worry, over-analyzing are not acts of love. They are degrading. And anyone else’s expectations, opinions, and demands are irrelevant. Casting aside external perceptions already takes a massive load off. It’s one of the most liberating and loving things you can do for yourself. It sets you free, and it gives you space to just be.

Know that we are all human and imperfect, but in a way we are also perfect by embodying our truest nature. The only opinion that really matters is the what you think of yourself. If you are noticing that perhaps the beliefs and thoughts you have about yourself are not loving, respectful and productive, then you know it’s time to embrace the process of change in the way you treat and perceive yourself. We can choose to be better, but we cannot expect ourselves to never make mistakes or take risks. We are all a work in progress so there really is no place for judgement of one’s self. Judgement is counterproductive, it really doesn’t serve any purpose in the process other than self-sabotage. We all deserve to treat ourselves in a loving, kind, respectful and patient manner. And once we do I believe, in turn, we will do the same for each other.