Spiritual Awakening Journey: III - The Crack

Everything changed after one ordinary morning. I sat in my usual spot facing the window. It was dark and grey outside. The cold winter air pressed against the window panes of my bedroom. I closed my eyes, with my headphones on, and sat there in the deadness of winter. I had recently started listening to high frequency ‘heart chakra’ music on my noise cancelling headphones, after clearing much of the thoughts and surface-level noise in my mind. Through consistent practice, I had reached a relative level of intial calm and peace. Every practice would more or less be the same, day in and day out. But this morning was different. I was relatively deep in meditation, drifting along, almost reaching some sort of trance. As I sat there and my eyes closed, all of a sudden, I felt this enormous, intense bright light emerge from high above and then magnifying all around me and through me. It felt like as if someone had turned on the flood lights. Suddenly, my body felt captivated and held by some great energetic force. My head and heart pulled slightly upwards. I couldn’t move my body even as I tried. A great and clear voice began to speak to me. Its message was simple. It had told me that I must walk a new path alone. It told me that I must let go and make peace with the past. It told me that my father lived a short period of time because he was tired and suffering, but the lesson of his life was to teach me and my brother to live beyond work. And when he passed away, there was an unspoken agreement that the baton would pass to my ex-husband, and it would teach me about love. Almost a decade later, the lesson was activated and I would now need to walk the path alone so I can learn to love myself and follow my higher purpose. It kept telling me it was time to walk an unknown path alone. As I received this message, I felt myself uncontrollably trembling and crying. I cried the most I’ve ever cried in my life. Crying because it was the truest thing I had ever felt in my whole life. The power of that truth was piercing and it cracked my heart open. Even as I cried uncontrolably, I remember I had tried to stop but it felt like I no longer had control over my body. I felt suspended by the great force and it waited for it all to flow through me. As it subsided, the great energetic force relinquished its hold and its light faded away. In that moment, it felt like all of the light in the room disappeared, leaving the room to feel dark and cold as it was before. All was quiet and still again. I stayed there in that moment with my eyes still closed, feeling at peace but also in shock. And when I opened my eyes, I noticed a pool of water in my lap. My mind could not make sense of what just happened. There was no logical explanation. But what I felt was completely physically and emotionally real, with all of my senses alive. It was the most visceral and paranormal experience I’ve had in my life.

This message came to me two days after the anniversary of my father’s passing, and coincidentally, the very same day me and my ex decided to divorce. I shared this with my mother days later, afraid of how she might respond. But when I told her she started to tear up. She told me that when she visited my father’s grave on his anniversary she actually had asked him to send me a message and to send help. Which is very unusual because my mother is not religious or spiritual. But indeed a message was sent.